Cassandra Buck

Artist/Painter

I have a mother in the biological sense. She gave birth to me and kept me alive for the first years of my life but I really have never had a mother figure. By mother figure I mean someone who cares for you when you are sick, someone you can call and tell about your day, the person you run to when things go wrong in your life. The person who reads to you and tucks you in before bed. The mother that asks you how you are feeling and makes sure you have clean clothes the next day for school. I do not have one memory of this.

My memories are of me taking care of myself. 

I do not resent my mother for being this way. She is not physically or mentally capable of it. Over time she has been rewired to be cold and cruel, Something awful has broken her. Something that cannot be mended. A piece is missing now and it will never be put back in its place. Its lost in time.

I often wonder what she was like as a child. I wish I could have met her before the change. I wish I knew her before the sickness set in. 

For years I have been a mother to my own mother. I have saved her from herself many times. To the point of harm to myself mentally and physically. I am 30 years old and I dont think I can do it anymore. 

This isn't meant for anyone person to read. My mother doesn't have the internet so she will never read it. This is the first time that I am actually putting it out into the world. I haven't even created art on this subject as it is triggers many feelings of anxiety and sadness.

I've said it now so this must be the first step....